9 Best Ways To Turn Yourself into Shark Bait

9 Best Ways To Turn Yourself into Shark Bait

It’s not likely that anyone would be looking to get attacked by a shark, but just in case, here’s a list of the 9 best ways to do it.

Wear Something Shiny or Bright with Lots of Stripes or Polka Dots

A shark may decide to ignore you, unless, of course, you’re wearing something bright and shiny or something with bold patterns. Don’t get ignored among the thousands of other fish around you. Stand out by wearing polka-dots or stripes. You’ll look like the most attractive meal around. Or, better yet, wear shiny jewelry. A shark will easily mistake the silver or gold shine for a silver scaled fish.

Eat Spicy Food—The Greasier the Better

Food with strong smells will seep through your pores not long after you’ve eaten. Unsalted nuts, wholemeal foods (such as whole grain breads and pasta), mangos and apples will NOT make your skin produce a lot of oils. Red meat, salty, spicy and sugary foods and dairy products, however, are sure to produce the oils your skin needs to become…SHARK BAIT.

     Bad body odor can also tempt a shark to test try a taste of human flesh and bone. Avoid bathing or using antiperspirant deodorant. This should amplify your body odor. The shark may not want to swallow your stinky meat, but they are still likely to sink their teeth into your oily skin.

     Or you can just eat some fish before you take a dip into the ocean. As we all know, that smell will linger with you for a long time, causing you to smell just like one of a sharks favorite meals.

Swim or Surf Near an Island Loaded with Seals

Great White Sharks are especially known for their love of the fatty little creatures. Sharks tend to go for the stragglers, the ones who veer off course and separate themselves from the rest of the group. So all you have to do is swim solo near an island of seals. If you’re wearing a wet suit or relaxing on a surf board, chances are you’ll look like the biggest seal in the area.

There are a couple of ways this attack could go:

If you’re in Cape Cod, the shark is likely to attack from below. You won’t know what hit you until you are twenty feet in the air and already half way down the Great White’s throat. Because you’re much larger than a seal, the shark will probably have to chomp on you a bit. It might get the lower half of your body down its throat and gnaw on your abdomen for a couple of moments before thrusting the rest of you down its throat or leaving your top half floating in the ocean for some other unlucky shark to gobble up. (They prefer more fatty meals than a human can offer, so you won’t be very fulfilling for them.)

     Or, you could take your chances at the Farallon Islands off the coast of San Francisco. The water is likely to be choppy as the winds can be a bit extreme around the islands, which is exactly why it is a dream destination for many surfers to get the chance to ride the Farallon tides. If this is a chance you’re willing to take, then these seal packed islands may be the perfect choice for you to experience the shark attack of a lifetime. 

     The same technique for becoming shark bait in Cape Cod goes for Farallon. Just make yourself look like a lone seal and you’re sure to get the attention of a couple Great Whites. At the Farallon Islands, however, the sharks use a different method when attacking their prey. Before gulping you down, they’ll circle you for a while first. Then they’ll strike, biting an arm or a leg, and leave you to bleed out. The more frantic you get the more likely you are to receive a second and third bite. Finally, when you are too weak to fight for your life anymore, the shark will come back for its meal. It might seem like a lot for a shark to go through just for one little meal, but Great Whites will go to extremes to keep from losing their teeth, in turn keeping their smiles looking pretty.

Jump into the Ocean When Someone’s Chucking Chum into the Water

Sharks are attracted to the scent of fish guts and are sure to think of you as food if you’re swimming around with the chum. If there’s a shark close enough to sniff out the blood and guts of the chopped up fish, you’ll be swimming with the sharks in no time. It could take anywhere from a couple minutes to several hours, but it’ll be worth it. Once the sharks get there, you’re sure to stand out among the little bits of fish floating around you. You’ll get the experience of a lifetime (although, once it’s done, you won’t be around to remember it).

Swim in Murky Water

If the water looks murky, it could be that there is a shark feeding frenzy taking place below the surface. Jump in and find out!

Swim in the Ocean with Large Whale Carcasses

The carcass of a whale will attract sharks from great distances. Sharks can’t resist the stench of rotting flesh—and neither can sea birds, so be careful not to get crapped on in the process! They might be a pain in the butt, but these birds will help you locate the large floating carcasses. Just remember, if you decide to hang around this floating carcass, you are likely to become one yourself.

Swim in Areas Known to Be Mating Grounds for Sharks

Horny sharks should not be messed with, unless of course you’re looking to get attacked by one! Sharks don’t take too kindly to strangers butting in on their mating rituals. Chances are a male shark might mistake you for one of the smaller female sharks and bite your head off just before stabbing you with two daggers (called claspers by shark enthusiasts) in an attempt to mate with you. This is not only a scary way to die, but an adventurous one as well. They are only in their usual mating area for a short amount of time, so plan your death swim accordingly. 

Wade Through Water that is Birthing Grounds to Sharks Who Give Live Birth

Lemon sharks are one of very few sharks who actually give live birth to their little ones. Right after a shark gives birth is one of the best times to approach it…that is, if you’re looking for a fight! She will be mighty hungry after hours of labor. Even her own new born babies have to flee from the hungry mother shark or she will eat them without hesitation. Don’t get too close, unless you’re dying to become…shark bait.

Splash Around in the Water (Bring your Dog)

Sound attracts sharks from great distances, especially sounds that resemble a fish in distress. While there are some superb human swimmers out there, no one can swim as graceful as the fish and mammals of the sea. Regular swimming alone can sound to a shark like a fish or animal in distress and may attract a nearby shark. Splash around even more and you’ll get the attention of every shark in the vicinity. This is why dogs attract sharks more easily than humans. When swimming, dogs kick their legs at a much faster rate than humans move their limbs. This makes them easier targets for attracting a shark’s attention. So bring your hairy friend with for an even likelier chance at attracting a shark. Just make sure your pooch doesn’t get hurt in the process, because I doubt he actually has the same suicidal tendencies as you if you’re actually considering following any of these suggestions!